My Boyfriend Just Turned Into a Weird Fluid Spewing Plant Thing
by idiosyncraticWordsmith
Summary: Full title: My Boyfriend Just Turned Into a Weird Fluid Spewing Plant Thing and I'm Uncomfortable and Aroused. Jade and Karkat have the house to themselves, and Jade wants to try experimenting - but then again, troll reproduction sure is weird. Crackfic written in honor of the original, uncensored Summerteen Romance Page 31. No explicit/graphic content of ANY nature. T for language
1. Chapter 1

My Boyfriend Just Turned Into a Weird Fluid Spewing Plant Thing and I'm Uncomfortable and Aroused

_By the Idiosyncratic Wordsmith. Really._

"Come _on_, Karkat. I really doubt it's _that_ terrible." Jade insisted. She and Karkat sat in her bedroom, chatting with one another, spending the night of their second month anniversary together in blissful seclusion. Their phones were off and their respective chats were disabled, and Jade's Grandpa was out with her other housemate, her cousin Jake, so nobody could pester or troll them tonight. Jade was laying on top of Karkat on the carpeted floor, her arms linked around his neck, giving him a pillow to set his head on, while his own arms were wrapped around her back. They had been cuddling like this for some time, and make no mistake, there had most certainly been sloppy makeout sessions involved. Interspersed between said sessions, though, was conversation - and the conversation had taken a turn for the sexual.

"Jade, we are two completely different species. I personally fucking guarantee that if we… tried that, it wouldn't only not work, it would _physically not work_. I mean, humans don't even use buckets, do they?" Karkat pointed out. Jade was very interested in experimenting sexually, while Karkat was much more hesitant. He had a vague idea of how human reproduction worked, but he knew Jade was clueless about troll reproduction beyond buckets. And he was _certain_ that if they tried anything, it would _not_ end well.

"Karkaaaat…" Jade whines. "Don't be like that. Come on, we should at least try it." Jade insisted. She said it softly and in a sultry tone, the voice of a lover, and started kissing the crook of his neck. He sighed a tiny bit - he loved it when she did that. He felt his bone bulge begin hardening slightly, and with the amount of space between them - namely none - he was damn sure she would feel it, too. Sure enough, he felt her lips move into a smile as they glided over to his ears and whispered into them, their breathy tone inviting and dripping with honey.

"I know you like it… just imagine how much you'll like it when I do this…" She whispered, drawing on her days of talking dirty with Dave. She sat up, seating her rear on his lap, and grabbed the brim of her long-sleeved shirt. With a tantalizing pace, she pulled it up, revealing her belly, before tossing it off and leaning back over her boyfriend, her shirtless form pleasing to his eyesight. She placed a hand on the brim of his own shirt and slid it upwards underneath it, feeling the smooth, grey flesh, pulling the black tee up. Karkat felt an urge to resist, but it subsided as her hand slid over his chest and she started pulling the shirt off of him. At that point, he merely went along with it, hoping that maybe they could get away with one of those weird half-way things where he gets all the pleasure without all the… drama. He had heard of trolls that would orgasm without ejaculating - maybe things would be OK. That was what he kept telling himself mentally as their shirtless torsos met and their lips united and the act began.

_The author of this story felt that it would be best to exercise a degree of censorship in the interest of those with compunctions against graphic depictions of Alternian reproduction methods. While it is the opinion of the author that troll sex is a beautiful, natural thing, and should not be discriminated against as anything but such, the author is aware that there are many humans who do not share that opinion. The author expresses his greatest apologies to those with no such compunctions or prejudices, and would also like to express his hope that the bigoted fucks who can't abide by the natural beauty of the troll body are happy. Well? Are you, you ungrateful piles of shit? Well, good, the author is glad. Now, back to your regularly scheduled crackfic._

Finally, after a full 15 seconds of this eldritch horror unleashing its hellish red fluid, the nightmare finally ended.

Karkat's body reformed itself, the fungus-like structure being hidden under his skin once more. Jade sat, naked, bathed in candy red fluids, shaking and shivering in shock and awe, as her equally naked boyfriend finally seemed to come back into existence. He gave out an ugly sounding moan before collapsing onto the ground, seemingly exhausted. Jade just sat there, still aroused from the foreplay and left sexually unfulfilled, her room dripping with fluid, the carpet stained, her boyfriend nearly passed out from turning into a plant thing, and wondered what the hell to do next.

Lurching forward, she crawled over slowly to Karkat, and laid down next to him as he seemed to rest, breathing hard. She snuggled herself against him the best she could, still heavily shaken by the horrors just unleashed upon her psyche, and he seemed to nuzzle back. He gave a soft little groan, like a teen being asked to wake up, before turning his head and opening his eyes, smiling awkwardly.

"Was it… good?" He asked. A hundred things came to her mind to describe what had just and 'good' was not necessarily one of them.

"Uh… well… first times are never the best times…" She managed to reply. His smile melted away and her heart broke a little bit. "But… we can work on it. It was good for… for what it was." She stammered out. He seemed to accept this well enough.

"Yeah… it'll be better next time. Did you, uh… are you…" He asked, trailing off.

"No, I… didn't quite make it." She answered, unable to completely hide the disappointment.

"Oh… is there some way I can… without…?" He tried asking.

"Oh… oh! Yeah, yeah, there's a few ways, you can -" Jade started to answer, but before she could respond excitedly with the ways she knew he could manage it with fingers or his mouth, she heard a sound that made her face go pale as moonlight. She looked over at the clock. They weren't due back for another hour, but the door had most certainly just opened and shut and there was definitely the sound of boots clacking around the house and old timey chitter chatter going about.

"Jade! We're home!" Jake's voice called out.

Jade looked around and surveyed the situation once more. She and her boyfriend were both naked, in her room, with the door closed shut, with a sticky red fluid staining the carpet, smeared on her skin, spattered on the walls, and she had about ten seconds to come up with an explanation for all of this. Karkat was obviously panicking and rapidly grabbing his fluid-covered clothing, apparently ready to dash for the window. But he didn't have the time and they were on the fucking top of a tower on a mountain and it just wasn't a good idea. She heard footsteps coming to her room. She had to think of something to explain the voluminous amounts of red gob and the presence of her deer-in-headlights-looking boyfriend. Fast.

"So how much did you miss - OH DEAR LAND SAKE'S ALIVE!" Jake wailed as he swung the door open and entered with typical reckless abandon, flailing his arms about wildly before positioning them over his eye protectively. "JADE! WHAT IN AUNT ANNA'S SHUCKS BUSTING NAME HAPPENED? WHAT'S KARKAT DOING HERE? WHY IS THERE BLOOD EVERYWHERE?" He asked wildly. Grandpa appeared at his side, his face one of shock and revulsion. But Jade had her story now, and she hoped it would work.

"My period started. Karkat came to help. I didn't want to bother you guys with girl stuff." She explained. It was a shitty as fuck lie and wouldn't convince anyone who knew anything about periods. The two stood there in her doorway, eyes averted, glancing at each other, confused and worried and probably kind of scared. Karkat stood quietly, also quite naked, his eyes wide and just as confused. They all stood there like that for a couple of seconds. Jade was sure that she had just earned her way to being grounded forever.

"O-OK, honeysuckle, you, uh, you and your beau take care of that little kerfluffle, and Jakey and I will, uh… we'll just go and watch such telly." Grandpa responded at last, backing away slowly.

"Y-yeah, television… with lots of… not blood things…" Jake added, also backing away slowly. Finally, the two men were out of her room, shutting the door behind them. Jade was left exchanging wide-eyed looks with Karkat, not believing that that actually just worked. Karkat was confused severely as well, but ultimately glanced around a little before dropping his clothes again.

"So… you were saying?"

A short crash course in the physiology of the human female sex organ, a few minutes of fingers and tongues, and a very, very strong orgasm later, Jade Harley and Karkat Vantas returned to passively making out with each other on the red-stained carpet of her bedroom floor, and all was right with the world as Fall Out Boy's latest song played somewhere in the background.


	2. BONUS CONTENT

My Songs Know What Your Plant Thing Did In The Dark And It Freaks Me Out (What The Fuck)

_Based on My Songs Know What You Did In the Dark (Light Em Up) by Fall Out Boy_

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

B-B-B-Be careful making wishes in the dark, dark

Can't be sure how they'll hit their mark

Cause during the mean, mean time

You just dreamed of getting it in on with an alien

But in the de-details is the devil

Who would know that this shit would be upon this level

You gone and let that thing out the cage

It's a young lover's rage

Fuck that shit, it ain't a pretty sight

My songs know what your plant thing did in the dark

And it freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

And it freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

You got what you wanted, but at what cost

Somewhere another innocence has been lost

I've got the scars from that sight and I wish you could see

That your plant thing is a fucking abnormality

A collection of juices on your lashes

Burn everything you own, then burn the ashes

In the end everything collides

Biology somehow made the fungus that you see

My songs know what your plant thing did in the dark

And it freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

And it freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN

My songs know what your plant thing did in the dark

(My songs know what your plant thing in the dark)

And it freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

And it freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out,

Freaks me out, out, out

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa.


End file.
